Recently I’ve been mulling over the question “What do I want?” The facets of this question are vast especially as they take on a concrete urgency in the wake of graduation and the embarkation of “real life.” I know there are things I want and measures of life, love, and God that I desire to have my life encompass, however my ability to articulate such passions, desires, wants, has not only Not been fostered but has been stifled by expectation, practicality, the dreams of other people, and the “shoulds” of life. How many times have we all heard the admonition, “It’s not about what you want but about what you need.” Certainly there is validity to both – a life without desire is inhuman but a life solely lived to satisfy desire would be animalistic.
To exercise the muscle of articulating desires, I started a list that begins with “I want to:”. On this list fall a wide spectrum of wants, from, “own a speed boat” to, “know Love in as many ways as possible so that I may greater realize God and in him myself.” There are many other points that fill my list but the main point is that they are mine – they are not written according to what I think “people” would want to see from such a list or the type of things I wish I wanted to put on the list. There was some sort of freedom in not prescribing criteria a “want” would have to meet to make it on my list.
They are, quite simply, little ideas that at some point or other have sparked something of my heart to breathe in life…
It seems to me that it is dangerous to be unaware of the hearts desires – not that our awareness of them automates our acting on those desires. Rather this is about valuing my heart enough to validate the dreams and hopes that that it has absorbed to fill needs or express love and passion. Just as I understand a person better in knowing what desires compel, motivate, or inspire them so in understanding my heart’s desires do I understand its fears, hopes, wounds, needs, and nuances of beauty. I understand the gift of life…of relationship. The redemptive and relational work of Christ begins and roots in our hearts and I believe that the more we are actively engaged in that heart process and renewing our heart’s desires in alignment with the lover of our soul the more congruous and deeply satisfying our life’s experience will be.
So, in making this list, I choose to validate the big and little things that represent some aspect of my heart. Perhaps adding to this list or looking back on it will reawaken dreams I’ve let slip…I pray that when faced with a crossroads I always choose to risk the path that engages hope, possibility, and even disaster but the path that forces me to grasp my heart. This would be a life filled with reliance on the Grace and Faithfulness of my God and is truly the only story I want to tell…
