a bit of articulation...

Recently I’ve been mulling over the question “What do I want?” The facets of this question are vast especially as they take on a concrete urgency in the wake of graduation and the embarkation of “real life.” I know there are things I want and measures of life, love, and God that I desire to have my life encompass, however my ability to articulate such passions, desires, wants, has not only Not been fostered but has been stifled by expectation, practicality, the dreams of other people, and the “shoulds” of life. How many times have we all heard the admonition, “It’s not about what you want but about what you need.” Certainly there is validity to both – a life without desire is inhuman but a life solely lived to satisfy desire would be animalistic.
To exercise the muscle of articulating desires, I started a list that begins with “I want to:”. On this list fall a wide spectrum of wants, from, “own a speed boat” to, “know Love in as many ways as possible so that I may greater realize God and in him myself.” There are many other points that fill my list but the main point is that they are mine – they are not written according to what I think “people” would want to see from such a list or the type of things I wish I wanted to put on the list. There was some sort of freedom in not prescribing criteria a “want” would have to meet to make it on my list.
They are, quite simply, little ideas that at some point or other have sparked something of my heart to breathe in life…

It seems to me that it is dangerous to be unaware of the hearts desires – not that our awareness of them automates our acting on those desires. Rather this is about valuing my heart enough to validate the dreams and hopes that that it has absorbed to fill needs or express love and passion. Just as I understand a person better in knowing what desires compel, motivate, or inspire them so in understanding my heart’s desires do I understand its fears, hopes, wounds, needs, and nuances of beauty. I understand the gift of life…of relationship. The redemptive and relational work of Christ begins and roots in our hearts and I believe that the more we are actively engaged in that heart process and renewing our heart’s desires in alignment with the lover of our soul the more congruous and deeply satisfying our life’s experience will be.

So, in making this list, I choose to validate the big and little things that represent some aspect of my heart. Perhaps adding to this list or looking back on it will reawaken dreams I’ve let slip…I pray that when faced with a crossroads I always choose to risk the path that engages hope, possibility, and even disaster but the path that forces me to grasp my heart. This would be a life filled with reliance on the Grace and Faithfulness of my God and is truly the only story I want to tell…

we are all Lost to something

Wrote this at the Beginning of the Summer and was recently urged to share it...

"In a society where women continue to be distinguished by the men who love them is it any wonder that the woman who is relatively unloved in this manner must either perish of spirit or Believe she is meant to be distinguished in some other way?...By some grand destiny of appointment? What then becomes of such a woman when she is distinguished by love? It is too late to be enough for she has already had cause to dream of a more vast destiny, in which romance is the caress of a summer breeze not the pursuit. Here may enter a fear that if she sighs into the caress of that breeze she will be forever Lost to the summer."

a snippet of thoughts i mull on...

perhaps the answer is to sigh into something more moving than the romance and larger than the destiny - to be caught up into an identity solely based in Christ...Be that as it may, the tension all too often remains.

simplest of sunrises

I hadn't watched the sun rise since I was in Egypt - but I watched it this morning. It was nothing spectacular. No vibrant colors or dramatic reveal arching over profound landscapes. Not aiming to be impressive but it impressed me.

Something in that slow spread of luminescence surrendered my soul to peace. A quiet persistence, unobtrusive and understated, yet persuasively elegant. I am persuaded...that there are still rosy skies without rose colored glasses, that there is beauty to behold even when unsought, that there is truth and order beyond what I could articulate, and that the gentle lapping of peace will always rise like the tide to beckon us out of sleepless nights.


it is well...it is well, with my soul.

streaming

Thoughts. And life. And laughing. And feeling sad. And wishing I knew what to hope for. Being pulled out of my head by a little voice that calls “DiDi!.” Missing faces. Trying and trying, and nothing. Loving deals. Reading. Frozen yogurt – cheesecake style. Appreciating the growth I see in my friends because of their bold and adventurous living. Being silly. Dressing for the sunshine. Being held by my meecho while I cry. Celebrating others’ graduation while feeling next to nothing for my own. Long hair? Short hair? Happy for sisters that stay up late with me all the time. Learning what it is to dream. Letting go of the potential I see or others expect and trying to partner with the potential God sees. Bursts of energy. Waves of listlessness. Cooking. Watching – history, survival, discovery, “reality,” romance, toys, etc. Picking up where things left off. Blogging for Rae…for me.

a set of vowels...

I felt it was time for a blog, however, my thoughts, conversations, and life in general has felt like a set of scrabble letters that are all vowels. These are of course crucial and powerful letters but you can’t make a single word or phrase out of all vowels.
Anyway that brings me to this blog – a kind of point-by-point presentation of "vowels" I’ve been thinking about and writing on scraps of paper…
Maybe you can use some to make words for your story.

These are not in any order:
1. Feelings of guilt, loneliness, and abandonment could be signs that i'm trying to go at it alone…pride, self-reliance/dependency, etc…

2. importance of holistic (non-dividing) worldview that all of creation is good and it lacks distinctions between secular and religious. our purpose is to release the bits of God's spirit within creation - redeeming/restoring...spirit to spirit.

3. we're not here to return to a garden but to take the garden mentality throughout all our lives and situation...

4. the separation of fields and disciplines etc is counterproductive because all exist within God and in the realm of his love and life...we have the opportunity to connect between...why limit between "secular" and "religious" labels - it all exists within God's framework and what he has called good.

5. what is it you live for? no, i mean truly and honestly. i don't know that i'm satisfied by my answer to this.

6. My competitive spirit is a humbling sign that I have yet to fully realize my worth and value in Christ and the unique role he designed me to play. My lines, staging, rehearsal times, costume, perspective, etc will not be the same as anyone else’s…

7. to live in and see a fallen world is torturous to us and calls into question God because it is not as it should be...however this is according to our judging and separating mind that holds false notions of good and bad and has created a false world of perfection to compare the real world to (and find it lacking)...God's concept of good is so much wider since he has the full picture...we need to ask him for a vision of restored creation living...not because this world is bad but because it has potential for so much more...

8. Importance of recognizing sinful family patterns in myself so as not to become victim to them…”inherited patterns of action and reaction”

9. Living in a relationship of “moralism” with God leads to the destructive belief that we can manage things on our own and thus, as we do “good,” God in return will spin things in our favor…a huge sense of self and lack of understanding our sin and need for grace…we self-punish when we fail and look for “God’s” punishment too (whoever/whatever gods we consult and measure ourselves by) because, due to the false world we’ve created (Raub), this is the system we feel most secure in – failure = punishment…success = reward. This thought pattern leads us to great inner turmoil since this is not reality (earthly or heavenly)…

10. I think I operate more from a place of “Lord make me strong” rather than a posture of “I am weak – You be strong”…this saddens me.

11. My self-preoccupation is irritating and oh-so-tiresome. It makes me feel cheap and exposed…as if that’s all I am or all I have (physical/outward perceptions). It’s not enough. Never enough, when all I want is the Smile of my Creator and that I’ve already received - alone in my room, make-upless and pudgy…but delighted in by one who’s opinion actually matters…

12. we have to let go of who we are not and what the world is not and live in truth...

13. being secure enough in yourself to call respect to others...

irresistible leadership...

I am currently reading the book “Leadership Essentials” by Greg Ogden and Daniel Meyer and am really excited about it! I’m not generally a “book study” type person so it’s especially rewarding – perhaps this represents a small submission of my pride :o) to be taught and guided...
In the outflow of my captivation I am writing but it pains me to know that this is not something easily shared in the written word - it is something to be experienced. Rapture in God's presence...


The section I am on is exploring the Character of a leader, specifically Holiness. WHAT a revamp on my gut level understanding of holiness! Reading about the character of Christ and really delving into the concept of Holiness makes me want to know Him so much more! As holiness is, he is utterly irresistible and magnetic. I can’t even articulate the depth of my conviction on this point right now and I know I’m still floating on the surface. It’s like catching the indirect smile of someone you’ve never met but suddenly being reminded of how full a smile can be….sensing depths behind it and being drawn in to know more. I guess I’m realizing anew that those moments of magnetism, charisma, impact, and presence that we’re drawn to in people is nothing but a fleeting reflection of Christ’s character of holiness.

Jesus’ leadership was powerful because, “His influence was the effluence of his essence. His impact was the overflow of his identity. His conduct was the outpouring of his character.” (p22) In all of history is there any single person that has made such a powerful and enduring impact as Jesus? I cannot think of any. His character of holiness is compelling.

There is nothing about true holiness that is containable - it is: integrity of thought and action, the cultivation of the fruit of our spirituality, intentional focus of one’s existence as being dedicated (consecrated) to God, and the humble expression of transcendent power of influence.

C.S. Lewis said, “How little people know who think that holiness is dull. When one meets the real thing…it is irresistible.” (22) The impact of true and unpretentious purity (wholeness – integrity, authenticity, morality), the manifestation of glory (life and light of God – fruits of the spirit), to be consecrated to God’s presence and service, to remember the staggeringly awesome presence and power of the one we serve – this is to be Holy. Jesus’ quality of character was so attractive that people have followed him for centuries – holiness is perhaps the most preeminent of his character qualities.

“Holiness is the compelling beauty and fullness of God’s own nature for which we were made.” (23)

...May my essence reflect his spirit, may my identity be wholly founded in him, and may my character be modeled after his example….

dreaming...

i dreamt of Home. Stability. Love. and Comfort.

It can be such an uncomfortable thing to have your wishes and desires revealed to you in sleep, through the perfection of a dream. When it’s wonderful and perfect yet realistic, plausible with a stretch…and then you wake up to reality, unhappy and searching for the peace and joy of the dream. It’s not fair that when you’re weakest and vulnerable that is when you have to try to resist indulging in even the thought of that which you want. This small feeling now, makes me scared for the future. “…Lord keep me from myself, guard my heart, and may I always turn to you to fill my needs and my inner void of unhappiness.”