Reminded of the Truths of my story...

Remembering who I am:

I am a woman who lives with hope and courage.
Who sees people on a journey and offers God’s heart towards them – a smile of encouragement, excitement, sorrow, rest…
I am a woman who sees beauty and can’t help but want to bring others into the experience of it.
I am a woman that feels the acute pain of loss and distance but knows without doubt that it is okay.
Who recognizes that I have much to offer my world and also that it will never be the right “enough”…
I am a woman who feels the song of the stars…
Who knows the soul-shifting experience of peace.
I am a woman who knows what it means to fall short and have the fire of self-condemnation be cooled by the smile of unfailing love.
I am a woman still learning to be a friend to myself and others.
Who knows that at every point in the journey I am exactly where I am meant to be because I am assured in the one who leads me.
I am a woman created to be lit and fully alive as a conduit of God’s love to those I encounter.
Whose laughter was created out of God’s own delight…
I am a woman with an unfinished story but an assured ending.
Who knows that satisfaction is merely the act of tuning into the frequency of God.
Whose heart of compassion and conviction is being cultivated to His purpose.
I am a woman whose soul lives in the heart of God and it is He who reveals my own heart to me...

a jaunt to the library :)

there is something immensly comforting about walking into the tingling silence of a library. it is the silence of assured potential. the silence of millions of words answering thousands of questions you haven't even begun to ask...

a bit of articulation...

Recently I’ve been mulling over the question “What do I want?” The facets of this question are vast especially as they take on a concrete urgency in the wake of graduation and the embarkation of “real life.” I know there are things I want and measures of life, love, and God that I desire to have my life encompass, however my ability to articulate such passions, desires, wants, has not only Not been fostered but has been stifled by expectation, practicality, the dreams of other people, and the “shoulds” of life. How many times have we all heard the admonition, “It’s not about what you want but about what you need.” Certainly there is validity to both – a life without desire is inhuman but a life solely lived to satisfy desire would be animalistic.
To exercise the muscle of articulating desires, I started a list that begins with “I want to:”. On this list fall a wide spectrum of wants, from, “own a speed boat” to, “know Love in as many ways as possible so that I may greater realize God and in him myself.” There are many other points that fill my list but the main point is that they are mine – they are not written according to what I think “people” would want to see from such a list or the type of things I wish I wanted to put on the list. There was some sort of freedom in not prescribing criteria a “want” would have to meet to make it on my list.
They are, quite simply, little ideas that at some point or other have sparked something of my heart to breathe in life…

It seems to me that it is dangerous to be unaware of the hearts desires – not that our awareness of them automates our acting on those desires. Rather this is about valuing my heart enough to validate the dreams and hopes that that it has absorbed to fill needs or express love and passion. Just as I understand a person better in knowing what desires compel, motivate, or inspire them so in understanding my heart’s desires do I understand its fears, hopes, wounds, needs, and nuances of beauty. I understand the gift of life…of relationship. The redemptive and relational work of Christ begins and roots in our hearts and I believe that the more we are actively engaged in that heart process and renewing our heart’s desires in alignment with the lover of our soul the more congruous and deeply satisfying our life’s experience will be.

So, in making this list, I choose to validate the big and little things that represent some aspect of my heart. Perhaps adding to this list or looking back on it will reawaken dreams I’ve let slip…I pray that when faced with a crossroads I always choose to risk the path that engages hope, possibility, and even disaster but the path that forces me to grasp my heart. This would be a life filled with reliance on the Grace and Faithfulness of my God and is truly the only story I want to tell…

we are all Lost to something

Wrote this at the Beginning of the Summer and was recently urged to share it...

"In a society where women continue to be distinguished by the men who love them is it any wonder that the woman who is relatively unloved in this manner must either perish of spirit or Believe she is meant to be distinguished in some other way?...By some grand destiny of appointment? What then becomes of such a woman when she is distinguished by love? It is too late to be enough for she has already had cause to dream of a more vast destiny, in which romance is the caress of a summer breeze not the pursuit. Here may enter a fear that if she sighs into the caress of that breeze she will be forever Lost to the summer."

a snippet of thoughts i mull on...

perhaps the answer is to sigh into something more moving than the romance and larger than the destiny - to be caught up into an identity solely based in Christ...Be that as it may, the tension all too often remains.

simplest of sunrises

I hadn't watched the sun rise since I was in Egypt - but I watched it this morning. It was nothing spectacular. No vibrant colors or dramatic reveal arching over profound landscapes. Not aiming to be impressive but it impressed me.

Something in that slow spread of luminescence surrendered my soul to peace. A quiet persistence, unobtrusive and understated, yet persuasively elegant. I am persuaded...that there are still rosy skies without rose colored glasses, that there is beauty to behold even when unsought, that there is truth and order beyond what I could articulate, and that the gentle lapping of peace will always rise like the tide to beckon us out of sleepless nights.


it is well...it is well, with my soul.

streaming

Thoughts. And life. And laughing. And feeling sad. And wishing I knew what to hope for. Being pulled out of my head by a little voice that calls “DiDi!.” Missing faces. Trying and trying, and nothing. Loving deals. Reading. Frozen yogurt – cheesecake style. Appreciating the growth I see in my friends because of their bold and adventurous living. Being silly. Dressing for the sunshine. Being held by my meecho while I cry. Celebrating others’ graduation while feeling next to nothing for my own. Long hair? Short hair? Happy for sisters that stay up late with me all the time. Learning what it is to dream. Letting go of the potential I see or others expect and trying to partner with the potential God sees. Bursts of energy. Waves of listlessness. Cooking. Watching – history, survival, discovery, “reality,” romance, toys, etc. Picking up where things left off. Blogging for Rae…for me.

a set of vowels...

I felt it was time for a blog, however, my thoughts, conversations, and life in general has felt like a set of scrabble letters that are all vowels. These are of course crucial and powerful letters but you can’t make a single word or phrase out of all vowels.
Anyway that brings me to this blog – a kind of point-by-point presentation of "vowels" I’ve been thinking about and writing on scraps of paper…
Maybe you can use some to make words for your story.

These are not in any order:
1. Feelings of guilt, loneliness, and abandonment could be signs that i'm trying to go at it alone…pride, self-reliance/dependency, etc…

2. importance of holistic (non-dividing) worldview that all of creation is good and it lacks distinctions between secular and religious. our purpose is to release the bits of God's spirit within creation - redeeming/restoring...spirit to spirit.

3. we're not here to return to a garden but to take the garden mentality throughout all our lives and situation...

4. the separation of fields and disciplines etc is counterproductive because all exist within God and in the realm of his love and life...we have the opportunity to connect between...why limit between "secular" and "religious" labels - it all exists within God's framework and what he has called good.

5. what is it you live for? no, i mean truly and honestly. i don't know that i'm satisfied by my answer to this.

6. My competitive spirit is a humbling sign that I have yet to fully realize my worth and value in Christ and the unique role he designed me to play. My lines, staging, rehearsal times, costume, perspective, etc will not be the same as anyone else’s…

7. to live in and see a fallen world is torturous to us and calls into question God because it is not as it should be...however this is according to our judging and separating mind that holds false notions of good and bad and has created a false world of perfection to compare the real world to (and find it lacking)...God's concept of good is so much wider since he has the full picture...we need to ask him for a vision of restored creation living...not because this world is bad but because it has potential for so much more...

8. Importance of recognizing sinful family patterns in myself so as not to become victim to them…”inherited patterns of action and reaction”

9. Living in a relationship of “moralism” with God leads to the destructive belief that we can manage things on our own and thus, as we do “good,” God in return will spin things in our favor…a huge sense of self and lack of understanding our sin and need for grace…we self-punish when we fail and look for “God’s” punishment too (whoever/whatever gods we consult and measure ourselves by) because, due to the false world we’ve created (Raub), this is the system we feel most secure in – failure = punishment…success = reward. This thought pattern leads us to great inner turmoil since this is not reality (earthly or heavenly)…

10. I think I operate more from a place of “Lord make me strong” rather than a posture of “I am weak – You be strong”…this saddens me.

11. My self-preoccupation is irritating and oh-so-tiresome. It makes me feel cheap and exposed…as if that’s all I am or all I have (physical/outward perceptions). It’s not enough. Never enough, when all I want is the Smile of my Creator and that I’ve already received - alone in my room, make-upless and pudgy…but delighted in by one who’s opinion actually matters…

12. we have to let go of who we are not and what the world is not and live in truth...

13. being secure enough in yourself to call respect to others...

irresistible leadership...

I am currently reading the book “Leadership Essentials” by Greg Ogden and Daniel Meyer and am really excited about it! I’m not generally a “book study” type person so it’s especially rewarding – perhaps this represents a small submission of my pride :o) to be taught and guided...
In the outflow of my captivation I am writing but it pains me to know that this is not something easily shared in the written word - it is something to be experienced. Rapture in God's presence...


The section I am on is exploring the Character of a leader, specifically Holiness. WHAT a revamp on my gut level understanding of holiness! Reading about the character of Christ and really delving into the concept of Holiness makes me want to know Him so much more! As holiness is, he is utterly irresistible and magnetic. I can’t even articulate the depth of my conviction on this point right now and I know I’m still floating on the surface. It’s like catching the indirect smile of someone you’ve never met but suddenly being reminded of how full a smile can be….sensing depths behind it and being drawn in to know more. I guess I’m realizing anew that those moments of magnetism, charisma, impact, and presence that we’re drawn to in people is nothing but a fleeting reflection of Christ’s character of holiness.

Jesus’ leadership was powerful because, “His influence was the effluence of his essence. His impact was the overflow of his identity. His conduct was the outpouring of his character.” (p22) In all of history is there any single person that has made such a powerful and enduring impact as Jesus? I cannot think of any. His character of holiness is compelling.

There is nothing about true holiness that is containable - it is: integrity of thought and action, the cultivation of the fruit of our spirituality, intentional focus of one’s existence as being dedicated (consecrated) to God, and the humble expression of transcendent power of influence.

C.S. Lewis said, “How little people know who think that holiness is dull. When one meets the real thing…it is irresistible.” (22) The impact of true and unpretentious purity (wholeness – integrity, authenticity, morality), the manifestation of glory (life and light of God – fruits of the spirit), to be consecrated to God’s presence and service, to remember the staggeringly awesome presence and power of the one we serve – this is to be Holy. Jesus’ quality of character was so attractive that people have followed him for centuries – holiness is perhaps the most preeminent of his character qualities.

“Holiness is the compelling beauty and fullness of God’s own nature for which we were made.” (23)

...May my essence reflect his spirit, may my identity be wholly founded in him, and may my character be modeled after his example….

dreaming...

i dreamt of Home. Stability. Love. and Comfort.

It can be such an uncomfortable thing to have your wishes and desires revealed to you in sleep, through the perfection of a dream. When it’s wonderful and perfect yet realistic, plausible with a stretch…and then you wake up to reality, unhappy and searching for the peace and joy of the dream. It’s not fair that when you’re weakest and vulnerable that is when you have to try to resist indulging in even the thought of that which you want. This small feeling now, makes me scared for the future. “…Lord keep me from myself, guard my heart, and may I always turn to you to fill my needs and my inner void of unhappiness.”

live with expectancy...

For: every girl ever wise enough to see Potential - that most blessed and cursed of gifts.

why do i hear the same story repeated over and over by women i respect and admire? solid women operating in confidence and seeking honest relationships guided by their foremost desire for Christ.
Tonight I sat in conversation with a friend whom I hadn't talked to in a while and she ended up telling me of some recent events in her life pertaining to a boy. Before she had hardly begun i felt an ache in my heart and like a unstoppable dream knew exactly where this story would lead for I have not only heard it often but I have told it myself over my own forbidden tears. It was something in her first words…I longed to stop her, to give her a hug and weep with her for the painful and self-doubting questions, for the justifications, explanations, resolutions, for the hope sought lost and painfully sought again.

she has not yet walked that path...and I cannot stop her.

…I wanted to warn her away from the start of hope and the light of potential and possibility but from the same heart and stronger I urged her to hope and to live in expectancy, ready to engage in joy and enthusiasm no matter the decaying breath of reason.
Maybe this was selfish, maybe it was the projection of who i wish I could have been or the health with which I long to have acted out of - perhaps it is just a call to the hope that I so desire to be supported and strengthened within me. Regardless of my brokenness there is truth and that truth says, "at the risk of greater pain, in the quest for greater love - live with expectancy, drink-in hope and promises...breathe truth."

Oh sisters, let us hold out in hope for the promises of life and love in Christ...let us be open to not knowing, to not planning, to not living with soul killing expectation. Rather let us live with life infusing engagement in expectancy....You are loved. You are delightful. You are enough. Expect to be discovered and loved as you live from these truths.

silence and space and vacillation...

This post is actually a journal entry of sorts from this summer that I rediscovered recently...elements of it still ring true, though I am in a different season of life now. I read it to some friends yesterday and one in particular encouraged me to post it "you never know when something you have to say may bless someone else" she said - a thought that has stuck with me. Another question she posed, "what is the purpose of your blog??", has also held on mainly because I don't really know. No self-limits or restrictions will I set. Read or don't but know that when you do you are reading a real piece of me...at least in to moment i wrote it :o)

--
june'09

Silence is an interesting topic of which I’ve been increasingly aware. What’s interesting is the distinction between Silence – beautiful, profound, restful, meditative; and Silence – as the absence of engagement in conversation but still full of noise. The latter can also be transposed as the reverse of this description in that there can be complete outer silence and replete inner chattering. I find myself mostly lost in this second version of the latter form of silence and pining away for the serenity and calm of the first form.

Vacillating between having a firm grasp on my life and plowing through and a sickening feeling of no traction. When my perspective is sickeningly and miserably microscopic and I find that being confronted with macroscopic ideas/questions I am too ungrounded to really give them a look. My peripheral senses are oh so aware of how these unanswered questions churn around me, obscuring clarity…and yet I float, too afraid to touch down.

“People often cry out for the work of the Holy Spirit and yet forget that when the Holy Spirit works, there is always tremendous cost to the people of God, weariness and tears and battles.” - No Little People (a collection of sermons by Francis Schaeffer)…(when I press in the most is when the enemy works the hardest to knock my feet out from under me)
Perhaps this is also why it is harder to fight against the little things that come up – everything is pushed up closer to the surface – every fear, every insecurity, and darkness swirls up dirt so that everything is clouded and harder to perceive. For a “truth-proclaimer” I often feel more than allowably unsure. Maybe that is the blessing and curse of seeing clearly in the lives and matters of others – not being able to perceive my matters and my life in clarity.
It is good to be reminded that all this “chaos” is likely a result of a macroscopic spiritual dynamic I am unaware of rather than because of all the things I am failing at and/or not doing (self-condemnation only feeds the problem). A reminder that in dark times i am only alone inasmuch as I forget that others have come to such a place before me and will after me...even more importantly others are fighting the same battle now just in a different space.


As I write all this I’m acutely aware that the solution to this is to be grounded in the Lord. As cliché as that may sound I have existed in such a state before and thus know it is not only possible but beyond beneficial and so don’t really care how cliché or simplistic I sound in that statement.
However, the question remains - how does a free-floating/disengaged mind tap into anything long enough to become grounded? Grounding, in my experience, takes time, energy and a keen single-minded, desire-fueled motivation to submit the flesh to the spirit, my will to His. Patience and silence are key since they produce energy and thought space. This last statement leads me to an acute awareness of my own burning lack of “thought-space” which explains my noisy silences. How do we empty our thoughts?? Immediately upon asking that question several answers come to mind, one of which stands out - carving out time for concentrated meditation. Hmm, appealing in theory and probably oh-so-beneficial but this brings us back to the problem of a lack of energy driven will-power. Remember I’m the one free-floating, and it’s taking all my energy just to do that and touch down long enough to result in necessary physical actions.

I keep thinking that once I’m out of school things will change – suddenly a well-spring of space will flood into my brain and I’ll be able to engage with life and it’s questions and act upon the desire to re-ground myself. However, if past example carries any weight this seems more than unlikely.

The elements that are most deeply energizing to me are: spiritual revelations, feeling and living healthy, coming to peace with big questions, understanding myself and what I want in life and what I have to offer, being engaged with God’s call, making decisions, proactivity, etc. Unfortunately, all these and more require the space, peace, silence, energy, and groundedness discussed above, thus my impasse.

I don’t really know what I’ve just been writing – I’m merely writing because I’ve been telling myself for a while that I should be writing everyday…maybe it will help me process … Maybe I just feel that I have to stop needing and expecting others to sort out the mess in my thoughts and it’s high time I become proactive about doing just that and once I can get past some of the superficial tangle (above) then I can really start to formulate the questions, concerns, and frustrations behind the big issue questions that haunt me.

life is a series of beginnings and re-beginnings

"Táin Mosaic Mural" - in Dublin

a dear friend has been encouraging me to blog once again so here i am turning the mosaic toward the simple life....(or in my case - not so simple :o)
I actually wrote the post below a couple of years ago but i thought it was appropriate to return to this concept as I start a new strain of thoughts to share.....

life is a mosaic in which God uses our brokenness and the brokenness of those who intersect with our lives to create a stunning image of truth, beauty, love and victory.....who would have thought that such an image could be made with the pieces of our lives we shun? - our pain, hurt, baggage, confusion, fears, etc...but rather than push these jagged pieces aside and simply work with our "best" pieces, those which we often freely offer, He picks through all these to find the others. He refines them and redeems them and uses them to make our life truly glorifying mural that proclaims his goodness, His faithfulness...it’s so much easier to offer him our "cleaned up" self, talents, gifts, strengths, etc. that we’ve wrapped into neat little society accepted packages but these do not scream of his majesty nearly as much as a chipped and broken piece that he shines his light through allowing it to reflect off all the “imperfections” thus shining and permeating not only throughout our lives but through and onto the lives of others…this is how we impact the world….

reflecting - a year later...

Photo by: Kaeli Byers
Location: Istanbul, Turkey


Studying abroad: a simple enough concept - attending school in another country. However, such an experience is anything but simple. My Mac dictionary widget gives a few definitions of the word abroad. The first is no mystery, "[living] in or [going] to a foreign country or countries." However, it is this second, which deeply resonates with my experiences as one who embarked on the journey of intentional learning in a foreign culture. It briefly states, "in different directions; over a wide area." Removing the obvious physical reality here, This - mentally, emotionally and spiritually speaking begins to capture the complex process of forging and re-forging, directing and redirecting, interpreting and reinterpreting, one's beliefs, thoughts, and understanding of both self and “other” within endless elements of Paradox.

#17: After all Life is a Mosaic and what fun is a mosaic if you can predict the pieces?? ;o)

(Written: 2-4-09...The post beneath this one is also new though I thought I had published it some time ago...Thank you for your patience :o)

Well I’d say it’s about time for another posting! Sadly, it comes with some unfortunate news….


Contrary to the original plan I will no longer be studying in Jerusalem this Spring. Rather, I will be back in California taking classes at Pasadena City College (so as not to fall behind in school), saving up for the purchase of a car this summer, and will return to complete my last year of Undergrad at Gordon in the Fall.


I am still a Middle Easter Studies major and mercifully this change does not cause any major problems with the fulfillment of this degree. Though I feel the personal pain of not being able to complete a full year abroad, I know I will be back to the region sooner or later and look forward to seeing that future opportunity arise! There are a number of reasons why I changed my plans but basically for me it came down to timing and for me the timing was off.


I do miss the Middle East and currently have 6 books I picked up from the library all of which pertain to the Middle East in some way. So far I have read two of them and I love being re-submerged into the land, mindset, and feeling of the people and culture.


Today I started typing up some of my thoughts and notes collected over the semester. So begins the “intentional” digesting of the semester though I know I’ve been passively digesting it for some time now. Increasingly I realize how much I’ve changed on the level of things that I notice, think about, and contextualize. There is nothing quite like the moments when you see how much you’ve come to see life in its globalized framework and, as it threatens to overwhelm, you wonder desperately if there’s any way back to the comfort of ignorance while knowing that without a doubt there is not and that really you wouldn’t want that.


I love the freedom that comes when you challenge old ways of thinking culturally. I get frustrated when I think about how irreconcilable certain things in life are and struggle to walk that fine line of understanding the reality of things and while not becoming discouraged beyond the point of believing the value of communication, sharing, and listening.


I am excited for what this season holds and while there are times that I feel a sense of disappointment that I’m not somewhere else the reality is I’m exactly where I need to be for these particular moments in my life to unfold.


Thank you again for being part of the journey and for all the prayers that have kept me afloat in many a trying time. I ask only that if I come to mind you again lift me up in prayer for who knows what life is throwing my way!


May Peace shadow your ever step in these days!
Kaeli :o)

Egypt Adventure – 16: Israel, Egypt, HOME FOR CHRISTMAS!

(Written: 12-26-08...SO SORRY FOR THE LATE POSTING ON THIS!!! I THOUGHT IT HAD BEEN POSTED! It must have slipped through the Holiday cracks :o(

Hello again! It’s been quite some time since my last post! The daunting task of trying to describe my experiences in Israel, wrapping up Egypt, and transitioning home kept me away from this blog for quite a while but I felt I should clarify that I made it through alive and well :o)


My time in Israel/Palestine was fascinating, frustrating, inspiring, confusing, and overwhelming! From speakers, to tours, to hanging out with Christian Palestinians the two weeks we spent in Jerusalem flew by as we sought to unpack some of the issues shaping the land and the hearts of the people living there.


I am so thankful that I was able to visit before going out there at the end of January for my second semester abroad! I was even able to visit the school that I’ll be attending. At this point I am incredibly glad to be home and there is a part of me that wishes I could leave all the issues behind and not return but in the same breath I am so relieved that I’ll have a whole other semester to unpack the complexities I began to encounter. I look forward to posting more about that stage of the journey and more about Israel next semester as I live in Jerusalem.


We returned to Egypt after the month of travel in time for Thanksgiving the next day! Boy oh boy was I every thankful to be back in my apartment and MY BED in Agouza! Especially since I was amongst friends to help me unpack all that we experienced and learned in our travels. Thanksgiving was a joyous celebration indeed full of great food and lots of laughter.


As soon as the festivities were over it was down to the grindstone as we got to work on the 5 papers that were due almost immediately. Alls well and I finished in enough time to make a few more Christmas shopping excursions at the Khan al-Khalili and other areas in Cairo. I also fit in one last visit to my host family in Embaba.


Unwilling to drop the traveling spirit too quick we set out for a Coptic retreat center in Egypt (a couple hours from Cairo) called Anafora in order to begin processing re-entry to the states. Though I was initially a skeptic on the location and the events I was a convert by the end. The time we had for silence was one of my favorite aspects, time to stop and reflect a little, and time to not think at all - to let the waves of thought drift by without the stress of engaging everything.


The last night at Anafora contains one of my lifetime highlights. All our meetings and group processing sessions were past and we had just spent the evening in an encouragement circle (it’s sounds lame but was surprisingly effective) all that was left was to close out one of our final experiences as a group with the Doxology. This hymn has traveled with me this whole semester and is the consistent string that in retrospect seems to have been the single connector piece throughout all my experiences. That night I looked around at the faces of those who had lived so much life by my side illuminated as they were with candle light as we stood in a circle, in a warm adobe hut, clasping hands and singing out with full hearts a crescendo of praise to God. It is hard to put into words a moment that was so worthy of all that I am all that I could every hope to be…


We returned to Agouza in order to pack and close out this significant chapter of our lives. The night before we left for DC we came together for one last meal and time of sharing from our fearless leader David Holt and in order to laugh and remember with a slideshow put together by one of the students.


Before long, though it felt achingly long at the time, I was home in California and ready to share in the love of Family, Friends, and Christmas.


To all of you who have shared in this journey with me by following this blog and being engages and interested I thank you. Truly it is an honor to me that you take the time to be present in my life in this way I am truly blessed whenever I find out that one of you has been reading and following my adventures! I look forward to the future conversations it may prompt. Until then, Merry Christmas and happy New Year!

Salaam!

(ps – I plan to resume once I return to Jerusalem at the end of January. Until then I would appreciate your prayers that the Lord may prepare me for this next season in the journey…)

Egypt Adventure – 15: Syria, Jordan…

(Written: 11-9-08)
Soooo. Now we’re in Syria! The male intern for our group wasn’t allowed into the country because of an Israeli stamp in his passport; he couldn’t get a new one before we left so there was always the possibility it’d end up that way but it still started our stay on a bit of a grumpy note :o(


The first day we went to the Krak de Chevaliers a crusader fortress! It was basically amazing and I want to live there :o) Seriously though, you would never believe how beautiful some of the Syrian countryside is – easy to see why it was fought over. After exploring the castle (featured in the movie Kingdom of Heaven) we went to dinner near the fortress and I would venture to say it was the best meal I’ve had all semester! It was AMAZING! Dad – the chicken….there are not words, only lip-smacking, finger-licking goodness!


Ok, moving right along…

After the castle we drove on to Damascus where we stayed near the Old City. It has been so cool to be in a place that really hasn’t changed much since Biblical times since it’s never been put to siege, etc… The main reference point we used for the city was Straight Street (see Acts 9:11) off of which we also visited what is traditionally held to be the Apostle Paul’s house. The old city has such a great feel to it and has thus far been incredibly restful as we all begin to gear up for our time in Israel.


One of our favorite pastimes has been buying movies in Syria because they are so cheap….yeah – more on that later ;o)


Yesterday we went to a “Hamam” - bathhouse (like a Turkish bath), which was definitely a bonding experience. Other than that it was such a neat experience to undergo bathing/massage/etc as they did most often in ancient times. There was a cold room, warm room, sauna, exfoliation, massage, and lots of laughter and relaxation :o)


(Written: 11-12-08)
Our time spent in Jordan was a random little blurb of about a day and a half most of which we spent at a resort on the dead sea! Craziest sensation I’ve had in a long time – floating with such ease…Basically I was transformed into a superhero :o)
It was gorgeous…



PS – sorry for the rushed feeling of all these blogs!

Egypt Adventure - 15: Istanbul, Turkey...

(Written: 11-11-08)
Well, I am currently sitting in a hotel room in Amman, Jordan but that is not where this story begins. For that, I must jump back 12 days to the day we arrived in Istanbul, Turkey.

What a change in pace! Stepping out of the airport you would think you were in a full-fledged European country and oh how beautiful is the color green!!! As we drove towards the Bosphorus waterfront (our first course of action before heading to the hotel) I felt as if I had entered a state of suspended reality. Gone were the honking cars, trash littered streets, pollution, and barren landscape. Rather, what greeted my starved eyes were cars driving in their own lanes and a beautifully landscaped city rich with a depth that only history can lend! The people also commanded attention, as they all seemed to have newly walked from the pages of a high-end fashion magazine.

Before a dinner of steaming baked potatoes filled with delicious tastes of the region we were ushered to a boat cruise on the Bosphorus in time for the sunset. I can’t even put into words the beauty of the city especially when viewed from the water – it felt like I was in a movie. The numerous mosques in the city with all their minarets and domes seem to have been made with sunset in mind – gorgeous! I’ve never liked a city so much so quickly and believe me, considering my ethnic background I wasn’t totally sure I’d feel comfortable in Turkey at all.
In that first day, I touched down on the continents of Africa, Europe and Asia!(Istanbul spans both the European and Asian continents) You certainly can’t say that every day!

It wasn’t long though before the Armenian issue came up in force and my reaction to it completely blind-sided me. I mean sitting in lectures given by really intelligent people in a context where there’s so much progressive thinking and action to be respected and to have them bold facedly deny any such events or minimize it and distort facts was pretty shocking. One of the hardest moments for me was in a circle of students discussing issues (there were a couple of Turkish university students in the mix also) and the issue came up. Promptly, one of our Turkish hosts denied the events and looking me in the face (probably unintentionally) said “I mean, it didn’t happen. There was no genocide.” That was all I could take and I promptly left the circle and rushed to the bathroom on the verge of tears, totally caught off guard by the strength and emotion of my response. As I’ve thought about it more and as our group has faced these discussions more it has become much easier for me to engage with and I’ve realized that it’s not really an issue of political recognition to me; in fact, in my understanding it would be unwise for the US to continue to press the issue of recognition at this time but what makes me sick is the outright denial of anything ever happening to the point that a Turkish citizen can look me in the face and presume to tell me what did or did not happen to my family. The psychological effect on society of not being able to face your past is no light matter.

There were many fun adventures along the way. One of my favorites was of an afternoon of creating “sensory memories” by walking through the grand Bazzar to get to the Spice market where the sights, smells, and tastes were delightfully overwhelming! After buying legitimate Turkish coffee and being surrounded by the enveloping smell of it I bought and ate (with a friend ;o) Turkish delight – delicious!

Getting out of Cairo and experiencing a different part of the region has been such a breath of fresh air! Particularly in the way a woman is able to engage in the society. It was so nice to feel that I could once again really thrive in my independence, getting around on my own and all that… Also, the differences in leadership, policy, history, etc between Egypt and Turkey are interesting to really get into and probe. The education system in particular intrigues me.

Anyway, obviously this blog can only begin to touch the surface and hardly that at all but I look forward to your questions and more conversations on the issues when I get back since Turkey in particular is such a fascinating country!

Egypt Adventure - 14: getting ready to travel the ME...

(Written: 10-27-08)
The first phase of my semester wrapped up this week which included Arabic final, finals in two of my other classes (Islamic Thought and Practice and Peoples and Cultures), and a Tabla concert for the rest of the students! It was a successful completion of stage 1 and even Tabla wasn’t terrible although the whole idea of performing does NOT thrill me :oP

We are now getting ready to head out on the “travel component” of our semester. We will spend 9 days in Turkey (7 in Istanbul and 2 in Ankara – the capitol), 3 days in Syria (Aleppo and Damascus), 1ish in Jordan (Amman), and 2 weeks in Israel (Jerusalem mainly)… I’m definitely looking forward to it but at this point of exhaustion staring a month of travel in the face with 29 other students, logistics, living out of a suitcase, etc. feels like a drain. We’ll see how things play out - as my mom says I seem to have quite a wanderlust in me and I am sure that once I begin the journey I’ll be thrilled :o) My plan is to do a blog after each country (maybe one for Syria/Jordan), until then – sayiida ma’a salaama!

Egyptian Adventure – 13: meeting Jesus.

(Written: 10-25-08)
Something I’ve been thinking a lot about and decided I want to begin doing (started this morning actually :o) is reading the gospels with new eyes – eyes that focus solely on Jesus, his actions, responses, cares, manner, etc…

Surely this is a “no brainer” but I feel that in the past my emphasis has been on what’s in the stories for me to learn, what’s in a verse for me to lean on, what’s the context and the intellectual side of how that informs my reading and understanding of Christianity. All perhaps worthy pursuits but to some neglect of truly getting to know the character of Jesus. It’s the desire in me to switch from a “me” focused engagement with Christianity and to approach it with an attitude of “Jesus, what was important to you? What will you teach me about the best way to engage in life?”

Some of this interest I think has been prompted from being in a Muslim country where the life of Mohammad to a Muslim is central. They base their daily lives to a large extent on his behavior, sayings, responses, etc. - All that for a man. So why would I do any less for my God?

Egyptian Adventure – 12: Halls of Power.

(Written: 10-24-08)
A couple weeks ago we had the amazing opportunity to go to the Arab League and meet with Hesham Youssef (Chief of the Cabinet of the League’s Secretary General – Amr Moussa). We were very warmly welcomed and had a very informative “conversation” with him.

The other halls of power we visited were in Luxor where the Pharaohs of the New Kingdom built their kingdoms. Among these, Tuthmose III, Queen Hatshepsut, Tutankhamun, Seti I, Ramses II, etc. We visited: Karnak Temple, Luxor Temple, another lesser-known temple (which I have currently forgot the name of but which had exquisite hieroglyphics), and the Vally of the Kings where we entered three tombs and went to look at Hatshepsut’s Temple. For those of you who know my love for history, you can imagine I was soaking up every minute!

Being in Luxor I felt like I was in the Egypt I imagined. The construction of the city of Luxor itself is much more spread out than Cairo, dusty vs. filthy, very closely linked to Pharonic history, on the lush banks of the Nile, etc…That said, the hassling from the salesmen is beyond what you can imagine and CONSTANT. I think we were all somewhat relieved to come back to Cairo.

A theme I’ve been wrestling with at times and to varying degrees while I’ve been here is the feeling that I “fit” – I look the part and can play the part but the cold reality of it is that it’s pretend. I look like an Egyptian and can play that card (I’ve taken to saying that I’m an American with an Egyptian mother because it simplifies things :o) but the truth is I’m not Egyptian my roots are not here. Similarly, at the Arab League I could be comfortable and again “fit” in these halls of power but I left with more of a sense that, for me, politics is not it. Again, I look the part and could act the part of a political figure but I don’t feel the drive it would take to make that happen.

Understanding myself in relation to my experiences has thus been a challenge as I wrestle with why I’m here, and where the responsibility of having all this new information/experiences poured into me will lead. I don’t know.

I do know however that God is faithful and I feel that in subtle ways I’m not even fully aware of he is shaping my mind and my heart for his purposes. One-way I felt this pretty clearly recently was when we had a documentarist show us a new documentary he is working and discuss the issues it focused on with us. The film and his interest pertain to the Israel/Palestine situation. Engaging in that conversation again, after spending much of the semester to this point on other aspects of the region, made me realize that any future involvement I may have in the ME will likely pertain to that issue; because I feel something inside me come alive for it, even if it’s just a broken heart over the seeming futility of the situation. Again, I can only wait and see how God develops this in the near future.